Letter to TV Licensing

Dear Sir,

I am writing to humbly request that you stop treating students like a group of idiots that need to be scared into buying TV licences. Your letter started with a lie:

"It is illegal to watch TV at a-b Iffley Road"

So the TV in the student common room should be set on fire? What about watching TV in a room with a friend that has paid their TV Licence (probably only so you’d stop sending them letters)? You then went on to say, if I have opened this letter, it is likely I live at this address. Of course I fucking well am; you've written "Only to be opened by someone who lives at this address" in foot high letters on the front of the envelope. How can this letter become any worse?

Failing to comply with the law could cost you up to £1,000.

At this point the serial killer inside me is jumping for joy, as now know I can bump people off for a bargain price of one thousand quid. Heck, if I charge twice that, I'll be able to earn money on a murder, too. I can even pay for my License on the phone, yet to get you to stop sending me junk mail, I have to write. Just because it is completely impossible for you to check the entire student population for televisions, it doesn't mean you have to mount a scare campaign to compensate.

Please rectify this situation, I have enclosed a match to assist you. I trust you can find the petrol.